From Childhood Pain to Adult Healing: Unraveling Hidden Guilt
Have you ever left a doctor's office with no real answers, despite your symptoms being all too real? I’ve been there, too. For a long time, I struggled with unexplained symptoms, and it felt frustrating not knowing what was wrong. It was by chance that I came across the idea that emotions—especially those we don’t even realize we carry—could be behind these physical symptoms. That’s when I decided to see a doctor who specializes in addressing this hidden emotional baggage, which often starts building up from a young age.
During one of our sessions, my doctor, who has a unique way of connecting with the subconscious, told me I was holding onto something—guilt. Then, he asked me if anything significant happened when I was 8 years old. That’s when it hit me: my mother passed away suddenly when I was 8. She went to the hospital and never came home. At that age, I didn’t fully understand what death meant, but I knew she was gone forever. While I don’t specifically remember feeling guilt, I do recall deep sorrow and fear.
Now, as an adult, I realize that the emotions I experienced back then, especially those I wasn’t even aware of—like guilt—have stayed with me, buried deep within. They’ve gone unnoticed for years, affecting my self-worth and eventually manifesting in my health as if calling for my attention. It’s as though my body is reminding me of the emotional homework I left undone at 8 years old.
The doctor guided me through releasing some of the guilt I was holding onto during his treatment. Afterward, I asked him, "I’ve been coming here over ten times, but it feels like we’re only treating the tip of the iceberg. Underneath, there’s something much bigger and deeper. How far do I have to go to clear out my unknown subconscious world?" He paused and replied gently, "Even if you’re only cleaning up a little at a time, it’s still better than not starting at all.
I wasn’t entirely satisfied with the doctor’s explanation. It left me with more questions than answers, and that’s when I turned to the words of Björn Natthiko Lindeblad, the former forest monk. His wisdom offered me a new perspective on emotions like guilt, which had been buried deep inside me for so long.
Lindeblad teaches us that these emotional burdens, whether guilt, regret, or sorrow, are often hidden beneath our awareness. They silently influence our lives, shaping our self-worth without us even realizing it. But instead of seeing these emotions as failures or weaknesses, he encourages us to accept them as natural parts of being human.
What struck me most was his gentle reminder that we don’t need to relive the pain of the past or wrestle with these emotions. Instead, he suggests approaching them with mindfulness and self-compassion. By acknowledging their presence, we can bring these emotions to light, allowing ourselves to heal. Lindeblad explains that the goal is to "loosen the bonds of our thoughts," helping us to recognize that we are not defined by these emotions. They don’t have to control our lives, no matter how long they’ve been hidden.
As a solution, Lindeblad offers a simple but powerful practice: mindfulness. By staying present and observing our thoughts without judgment, we gain clarity about what we’re holding onto. He also suggests using the mantra, “I may be wrong.” This phrase, though humble, helps dissolve the ego’s grip and opens the door to compassion—for ourselves and for others. It’s a reminder that everyone is carrying their own burdens, doing the best they can, and that includes us.
For me, this approach is helping. It’s a work in progress, but I’m learning to face these long-hidden emotions with kindness and patience. And in doing so, I’m slowly beginning to free myself from the weight I didn’t even know I was carrying.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog and being part of this personal journey with me. I hope my story resonated with you in some way, and perhaps helped you reflect on the hidden emotions we all carry. As Björn Natthiko Lindeblad reminds us, by “loosening the bonds of our thoughts,” we can begin to recognize that we are not our emotions. It’s a powerful reminder that no matter what we carry inside, we are always more than the burdens we hold.
Soo Kyung Kim
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